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Giving Your Child Constructive Criticism

by: Anthony Kane MD


Our role as parents is to educate our children to
behave properly in the world. To do this we must be
able to point out and help them to correct their
mistakes. This means that we must be able to give
them constructive criticism.

First we need to stress that to give this criticism to
our children is not an option, it is an obligation. We
have a parental obligation to correct our children. It is
neither in our children's best interests nor do we do
them any favors if we do not guide them properly.
When we see things that come up in their daily lives
that they do wrong, we must correct this behave. How
can we as parents redirect our children's behavior in
such a way that it does not get in the way of the
healthy parent child relationship?

How to Give Criticism Constructively

There are a number of things we should remember
when redirecting our children that will make our
criticism more accepted and more effective.

1- Children Have Feelings

This is probably the most important thing to
remember when criticizing our children. It is obvious
to everyone that children have feelings. Yet very
often it is something that we as parents forget.

When our children are small, they are almost entirely
in our control. It is easy to forget that they are little
people. They have feelings that can be hurt and
self-esteem that can be crushed if we criticize them in
a non-constructive belittling way. We must try to
relate to them as we would like others to relate to us.

2- Have Your Message Clear

The goal of proper criticism is to get your message
across to your child. That means you have to have a
message. If you don't have an idea you are trying to
convey, then all you are doing by criticizing your child
is venting your own anger and frustration. You will do
nothing positive for your child, and your child will not
change his behavior in the future. Remember, your
goal with criticism is to educate, not to punish or
embarrass or to seek revenge against the child.
When you criticize you must have something you are
trying to teach.

3- Deliver Your Message Properly

You must give rebuke. It is your obligation as a
parent. The point is that it should be given in a
positive manner. To do this you must satisfy a
number of conditions.

a. Criticize the Behavior not Your Child

This is critical. Direct your criticism toward your
child's behavior. It has to be clear to your child that it
is the behavior that upsets you, not him.

b. Don't Label Your Child

Children get their sense of who they are from what
others tell them. When a parent gives a child a label,
this label will eventually stick, with disastrous
consequences.

c. Give Your Rebuke Privately

It will be hard enough on your child to have to bear
your criticism. You should do everything you can to
spare him the embarrassment of having you rebuke
him in front of others.

d. Don't Dwell Upon the Past

The only valid criticism is for the future. What the
child did is over. You should acknowledge the
mistake but make it clear that the reason you are
speaking to your child is so that he can improve in
the future.

4- Offer an Opportunity to Correct the Wrong

Your child has to know what he did was wrong. He
should also be given the opportunity to redeem
himself by correcting his mistake. You should have
suggestions how the child can correct the wrong.
This will give your child the message that he can't
hurt others and just walk away. He must say he's
sorry or do the victim a favor. It allows your child to
be responsible for what he does. It also allows him to
put the misdeed behind him and go on.

5- Deliver the Criticism with Love

This is vital. Criticism is a gift. It is a gift of knowledge,
it is a gift of values. But it is an unwanted gift. Still, it
is a gift nevertheless. No one wants to hear criticism.
Our goal when we give criticism is to do it as
painlessly as possible so it will be received properly.

You have to make it clear to your child when you
deliver your message that you are doing this for the
sake of your child. If your child knows that what you
are saying is because you love him, the message will
be better received.

If you are angry, all the child will hear is the anger.
The message that comes through is, "You don't like
me." Nothing else will be heard. You must make it
clear to your child that you are criticizing because
you care about him. You cannot let the message get
blurred out by the static of your emotions.

This is not easy. It is easy to write about it and to
read this when no one is around and things are calm.
It is much harder to apply this idea when there is a
tumult going on and the tensions are high. Still we
have to acknowledge at least the proper way to do
things. Or else we will never be successful.

6- Try to See Your Child's Point of View

We as parents are not faced with the same
challenges as our children. This leads to a very
reasonable response, at least in the mind of the
child, to think, "Who are you to criticize me? How do
you know what I am going through? You don't
understand me."

This is a legitimate response. Your child doesn't see
you as a former child. Your child sees you as a
stable adult. Now, you may understand your child
perfectly, but your child doesn't know that. It helps
when you give criticism to visualize things from your
child's perspective and couch your words is such a
way that your child knows clearly you understand him.

7- Sometimes it is Better to Delay the Criticism

We have a knee jerk reaction to respond immediately
when we see our children do something that we don't
like. This is a normal reaction. However, you should
always ask yoursef if this is the best time and place
to rebuke your child.

When your child does something wrong he will be
expecting the criticism right away. When the child is
expecting the reaction, his guard is up he will react
by defending himself and fighting back. He will not
hear what you say and he will be defending himself.

Sometimes it is better to wait until things quiet down.
Then you can discuss with the child rationally and the
child will hear it. You will also be calmer and be able
to deliver a better message to your child.

8- Sometimes no Criticism is the Best

The purpose of criticism is to correct future behavior.
If it is clear to the child that he did something wrong
and if the child feels bad about what was done and
he is not likely to repeat it, there is nothing added by
acknowledging his misdeed.

Conclusion

I want to point out that the principles that we have
discussed apply when you need to rebuke anybody.
The difference is that for anyone else we usually can
choose whether or not to get involved. As a parent
we do not have that option. We are automatically
involved.

We have an obligation to correct our children's
behavior. Our children need our guidance. It is a
terrible example when parents let their children do
what they want without direction. The children may
act like they like the freedom, but these are the
children who grow up not knowing right from wrong
and not realizing that there are consequences for
bad actions. Eventually these children feel that their
parents really don't care about them. Often they are
right.

It is hard to be a parent. But the more effort you put
into steering your child on the proper path to
adulthood, the more happiness you will have when
you share in your child's successes through his life.


About The Author
Anthony Kane, MD is a physician and international
lecturer. Get ADD ADHD Child Behavior and
Treatment Help
(http://addadhdadvances.com/childyoulove.html) as
well as Oppositional Defiant Disorder child behavior
help and advice
(http://addadhdadvances.com/betterbehavior ) and
help with defiant teenagers
(http://addadhdadvances.com/ntpcentral.html )
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